Monday, October 10, 2011

For Me The Fall Equinox is Also a Time to Honor

My whole life is a powerful teacher, as it is with everyone I am sure. I was blessed to be born to a woman who was driven to know love and bring it into her every day life in simple and magical ways.  The price was to grow up with someone who was more a friend and teacher then a Mother.  This was one of the challenges that caused me to be a rather hard headed student.  No matter, I got it honest she was more of an expert at being strong willed then me. I had no idea what I had.  I wanted to do girl scouts instead I went to all of her womans groups and had lessons in focus and meditation.  I practiced the "roll your eyes at mom" technique while doing guided meditation till I was about 13 years old.   Then I really wanted to know.  When she was teaching me we where a team fellow explorers excited about the trip.  When the lessons ended we fought like cats and dogs.  By the time I reached 16 the only time we spoke is when I did my lessons or helped with her healing group.  She was strong and  an undeniable force of nature and I was the apple off the tree.  We later confessed to each other that we both felt annoyed about the whole mother daughter thing and just wanted to be friends.  Once that was "ok" so where we.  And we felt more like Mother and Daughter then ever. I was on my own.

Took a small brake from formal spiritual lessons to get married and realllly learn a thing or two from a wonderful sexy red head of a husband who mostly taught me how to play and like sex.  It may be a short paragraph my dear Rich, but I do honor you for letting me be silly and joyful and awkward as well as sexy and powerful.  Kisses wild man, I still love you to this day.

After I left my husband I was eager to serve and did it where ever I could. Temple of Love, I was a Reader and a healer at Ancient Ways and created ritual for my brothers and sisters in that tribe.  I was still hungry for something I did not know what.

I had served my beloved friend Randy Ellis as a client and he said that I needed to do H.uman A.wareness I.nst. He felt so strongly about it he gave me level one as a gift and that was it.  HAI was the place where I was called to fall more in love with my self and to be true who I am not just what I was taught.  I did six levels back to back the same year I attended massage classes in an effort to ground more in my body.  HAI grounded me more then the massage classes did.  My original goal with HAI was to learn how to be a better wife and marry again.  My hubby had given me feed back that I seemed to be off in another world and always working or "working on something" and that when I was with him I did the same "worked to make him happy."  It was true.  HAI was the permission that I needed to be, just be. I am still not married to a partner though I am most certainly alive and in my body for better or worse.
If you seek love in ANY of its forms give a look.  If Rich and I had found HAI I would never have left him.

This brings me to one of the more powerful teachers that I have run into. Peter Rengle.  He devotes a large amount of his time to HAI and he is a profound teacher? guide?  counselor?   He is very hard to label. Even though I had my Rich and learned that men could be soft and caring and took risks with male lovers after our marriage that where fun and worth it. I was still angry and afraid, HAI was pushing on that and I was resisting with all my might.  My Mom had been a counselor and was armed with all kinds of tools and tricks to get over my fear and anger that did not work.  I was told to "charge burning barns" if I was afraid and could think of no logical reason why go toward it not away from it.  The first time I had Peter as a teacher I was so nervous and scared of him for no real reason that I could label.  So I sucked it up thought of something "nice" to tell him and charged forth.  When he turned and gave me his attention the fear was awful loud and the wind went out of my charge. I blurted my "nice" thing to say and felt sad and even more scared that the fear did not dissipate. I felt shame, and I felt nutty for feeling any of it in the first place.  I turned to go, and he said do not just go away stand here a minute.  My body begged me to lie make some excuse, in fact it would have been the truth because I was like a scared kid and I had to pee.

To my surprise I made a real attempt to explain why I was acting like a goober. It was stop and start and sounded painfully foolish.  He just stood and looked straight at me  and soon I felt safer and seen.    What stayed with me was the feeling that he had no story no judgment.  After that I bought his book "Living Life in Love".  The storm that was coming up around my feelings about men prompted me to fall in love with a very wild woman  she showed me that women could be just as fearsome as men.  She scared the crap out of me in fact, and demanded that I go to counseling for it.  I chose to go to Peter.  I hated counseling.  I went to him because I felt some how I could trust him.  She went to another counselor.  It was not counseling it was more real it was very healing and empowering.  I have done counseling and this was better you go to a counselor with a bump on your head and after sharing with them. They can deduce that you have run into a tree over and over in your garden  because your father taught you it was bad to walk on flag stone paths. Then, you go home and know full well what you are doing as you hit the tree for the hundredth time . Peter was just as effective at helping you get clear.  Then he asked What do you want to do? I was strongly guided to act according to my truth and given real grounded feed back about my action plans.  I parted with the lover but stayed with the work with Peter as long as I could afford it. There is something real and alive about his work I think because he still does work with him self and is very real with his clients.  I am thankful for the tools that I use when afraid. He taught me a gentle version of the "burning barn"  I ask my self is this happening right now?  I breath, I give my self some love and THEN I act.  To find out more about his empowering work or get a copy of "Living Life in Love" go to

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